☼ The Contemplative Creative is a free weekly newsletter about resisting the attention economy and freeing the creative spirit. Its main feature is the anti-advice column for creatives and culture makers of all kinds. If you want to support this space, you are welcome to forward it, text it to a friend, or share parts of it on social media. Thank you for reading. ☼
Untitled, Helen Pashgian, 1970
Hello you,
I was so glad to hear the anti-advice column connected with many of you; I loved doing it. If you’re new here, the anti-advice column is designed to bring out your own instinctual wisdom about your creative life, or the inner life. (It’s like the Jeopardy of advice columns — the “answer” contains a question.) Just hit reply to send me your current questions.
Here’s this week’s question/answer/question.
“How do I let my creative life TAKE UP MORE SPACE? I don’t feel I have permission (from myself or others).”
This is such a rich question that I want to respond to in 80 million ways, so today I’ll speak to the “other people” part.
Let’s assume the worst-case scenario with this question: that if you expand, you’re going to hit up against resistance of some kind. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. What if resistance from other people isn’t a threat? What if it’s just how things evolve?
When you do something people don’t expect, they often startle a little. Maybe they cooperate, but make a lot of grumbling noises as they do it. Maybe they act confused or refuse to move. Maybe they immediately and graciously make room for you.
I’ve noticed that whenever I’ve made a change in my life toward a fuller expression of my values, people can act a little weird. Like you’ve just gone off-script and their brain short-circuits trying to think of how to respond. Sometimes what comes out of their mouths is judgment, but they’re really just trying to reconcile their old thoughts with reality.
I remember I put on a reading series in New York and I was really scared about it. I was “taking up space”! I was interviewing an author I admired live in front of an audience! An acquaintance who was in the literary world came and greeted me. He then looked around the room and said, “Seems like everybody has a reading series these days.” It was mildly insulting (and secretly funny), but it was just the noise his brain was making as he adjusted.
I want you to think of it all as neutral – just noises and gestures that have no inherent moral meaning. Other people’s responses to your presence doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do something, and it doesn’t mean you should do something. It’s just what an ecosystem does when new life is introduced.
Here’s the funny thing about the life of the soul; it blows up the idea that more here means less over there. This isn’t a Take Time for You (thus Away from Other People, Because You’re Worth it) Self-Care Message. When you are more alive, there is just more life. Not less in others.
To mix metaphors, the idea of a Space Accountant also comes to mind — someone who has a spreadsheet and sees all the space allocated to other people’s line items so there’s nothing left for you. Can you fire the Accountant of Who Gets What Space in your mind? Their math is wrong.
Some questions to ask when you’re thinking about other people and your creative space:
What, SUPER SPECIFICALLY, am I thinking about when I say “I want to take up more space”? Specific times of day to myself? Certain kinds of conversation? Get concrete.
What are my thoughts about others when I make myself small? What are my assumptions? What are my judgments?
What are my beliefs about other people’s surprise, confusion, or discomfort?
If other people balk at my expression, what am I making it mean about me? What are my judgments about me?
What does it cost me when I don’t really live into the space I am in?
How am I withholding from others when I listen to the Accountant of Who Gets What Space?
How does it bring other people to life to see me fully alive?
Continue to be more alive my dears,
Maria
P.S. If you would like support in your creative and soulful endeavors, you can book a call with me to explore coaching that will cut out the noise.