Yes, and sometimes it’s subtle. It’s the friend that I pump up and encourage relentlessly in her art production, but that never says anything when I share my artwork with her. Complete textual silence. Ignoring it as if I didn’t send anything. The exhusband that wanted me to paint less flowers and more skulls (eyeroll). Sometimes you have to forgive yourself for WHO you share your heart, and art close to your heart, with. 💛
Ouch. And yes, I so hear you on compassion for the "who" you shared it with. It makes perfect sense that that happens. In fact, I've noticed I can sometimes have an impulse to share things with people I KNOW will make me feel weird, almost like a unconscious check on my excitement.
What comes to mind are two women--one an English professor, the other a lady in a writing critique group. I know this is controversial to say, but as a female artist, it's been all women who have hurt me. The professor attacked me weekly--no encouragement, just bitterness and personal criticism. The lady in the critique group made it her mission to do the same. I was a people pleaser and took their abuse like a "nice girl" though my heart raced, and my cheeks burned in anger and humiliation. Another memory is of a fellow female student in high school destroying my entire portfolio of artwork that I needed to bring to a college interview. I hardly knew the girl and it's still a mystery why she did it.
It took me years to share my work with others after that, despite a bunch of male professors and editors encouraging me. Now that my books are out there in the world, there are many women encouragers, but I must admit that I'd have a hard time hiring a female editor.
Oof - I can totally feel the sting of those memories. I'm so sorry that happened.
As for the women part of it, I don't know if this is your experience, but I've found that in closed systems where people feel they had to fight to get respect from the patriarchy, some women take on the role of guard dogs of that system to keep their desired status and make bid for protection from the institution. (Like white feminism, as opposed to intersectional feminism, does.) It doesn't make it sting less; it's extra painful when it's like "we were supposed to be allies! What the hell!"
I'm not sure I completely agree with giving adult women excuses based on theories. At some point we have to have the emotional maturity to take responsibility for our own actions. People have lived under many different systems and still managed to be generous and compassionate. If this theory were true, then you wouldn't be the encouraging woman that you are. I think it's a disservice to women to say that they are so damaged that they can't encourage others.
I don't know how common it is -- but my experience has also been that a greater number of women have been toxic people to my creativity (and leadership in a few other realms) than men. And it does feel controversial to say that out loud. So thank you for saying it!
Thank you! I think to solve problems we have to be willing to take personal responsibility. Being honest about how women get it wrong sometimes doesn't mean I don't like women. It means I hold them to standards. My husband and I raised our boys and girls to respect all people. We only live in theoretical prisons of our own making.
I wrote a book, got it published, and gave a copy to my mother. When I asked what she thought, she said, "It's good. I was surprised." That was, in all honesty, high praise from her.
As if "forgive myself for hoping" is not half the entire work of my little Enneagram One life!! I never open this damn Substack if I'm not prepared for some AUDACITY.
It's wonderful to see a piece on this topic -- I see a lot of pieces on how to handle rejection in the creative world, but surviving a creative injury requires, like you say, more compassion than "just keep going / shut out the critics" etc!
I took a novel-writing masterclass in the last year of my undergrad and would walk in each week to have my professor absolutely savage my work. He was a brilliant writer but was disdainful towards any material shared by the class that didn't fit within his vision of what literary fiction was, and I was someone in the class who just *couldn't* write that sort of thing. It beat me down to such a degree that I didn't write a word for two or three years after I finished the class. It makes me sad that I'll never get back that time I spent not writing, and for a while I've grieved the way it caused me to totally distrust my own creative vision and impulse - never picking up the pen because it would probably be bad anyways. But now, after a few years, I'm working that muscle again and am almost 30k words into a novel project that's really special to me. And your piece has just made me realize how brave that is... so thank you!!
Yes, and sometimes it’s subtle. It’s the friend that I pump up and encourage relentlessly in her art production, but that never says anything when I share my artwork with her. Complete textual silence. Ignoring it as if I didn’t send anything. The exhusband that wanted me to paint less flowers and more skulls (eyeroll). Sometimes you have to forgive yourself for WHO you share your heart, and art close to your heart, with. 💛
Ouch. And yes, I so hear you on compassion for the "who" you shared it with. It makes perfect sense that that happens. In fact, I've noticed I can sometimes have an impulse to share things with people I KNOW will make me feel weird, almost like a unconscious check on my excitement.
Oh my goodness, yes. For me it feels like an inner dare. Why do we do this? 😂
What comes to mind are two women--one an English professor, the other a lady in a writing critique group. I know this is controversial to say, but as a female artist, it's been all women who have hurt me. The professor attacked me weekly--no encouragement, just bitterness and personal criticism. The lady in the critique group made it her mission to do the same. I was a people pleaser and took their abuse like a "nice girl" though my heart raced, and my cheeks burned in anger and humiliation. Another memory is of a fellow female student in high school destroying my entire portfolio of artwork that I needed to bring to a college interview. I hardly knew the girl and it's still a mystery why she did it.
It took me years to share my work with others after that, despite a bunch of male professors and editors encouraging me. Now that my books are out there in the world, there are many women encouragers, but I must admit that I'd have a hard time hiring a female editor.
Oof - I can totally feel the sting of those memories. I'm so sorry that happened.
As for the women part of it, I don't know if this is your experience, but I've found that in closed systems where people feel they had to fight to get respect from the patriarchy, some women take on the role of guard dogs of that system to keep their desired status and make bid for protection from the institution. (Like white feminism, as opposed to intersectional feminism, does.) It doesn't make it sting less; it's extra painful when it's like "we were supposed to be allies! What the hell!"
I'm not sure I completely agree with giving adult women excuses based on theories. At some point we have to have the emotional maturity to take responsibility for our own actions. People have lived under many different systems and still managed to be generous and compassionate. If this theory were true, then you wouldn't be the encouraging woman that you are. I think it's a disservice to women to say that they are so damaged that they can't encourage others.
I don't know how common it is -- but my experience has also been that a greater number of women have been toxic people to my creativity (and leadership in a few other realms) than men. And it does feel controversial to say that out loud. So thank you for saying it!
Thank you! I think to solve problems we have to be willing to take personal responsibility. Being honest about how women get it wrong sometimes doesn't mean I don't like women. It means I hold them to standards. My husband and I raised our boys and girls to respect all people. We only live in theoretical prisons of our own making.
I wrote a book, got it published, and gave a copy to my mother. When I asked what she thought, she said, "It's good. I was surprised." That was, in all honesty, high praise from her.
Damn! What a line. Maybe that can be an endorsement you put on the cover of your next book. ;)
To be honest, I was considering it. :D
As if "forgive myself for hoping" is not half the entire work of my little Enneagram One life!! I never open this damn Substack if I'm not prepared for some AUDACITY.
Hahahaha I love enneagram 1s so much for this. Thank you for YOUR audacity ;)
It's wonderful to see a piece on this topic -- I see a lot of pieces on how to handle rejection in the creative world, but surviving a creative injury requires, like you say, more compassion than "just keep going / shut out the critics" etc!
I took a novel-writing masterclass in the last year of my undergrad and would walk in each week to have my professor absolutely savage my work. He was a brilliant writer but was disdainful towards any material shared by the class that didn't fit within his vision of what literary fiction was, and I was someone in the class who just *couldn't* write that sort of thing. It beat me down to such a degree that I didn't write a word for two or three years after I finished the class. It makes me sad that I'll never get back that time I spent not writing, and for a while I've grieved the way it caused me to totally distrust my own creative vision and impulse - never picking up the pen because it would probably be bad anyways. But now, after a few years, I'm working that muscle again and am almost 30k words into a novel project that's really special to me. And your piece has just made me realize how brave that is... so thank you!!